Dealing with Demons: Disappointment

Disappointment is a weird emotion for somebody who was once committed to never getting their hopes up. For somebody who built up walls on all fronts, attached two-factor authenticity locks to them, and had guns pointed at anyone who dared to trespass in – it feels weird. Why? Because it feels like a slap in the face, a laugh full of spit and, generally, a major let-down to yourself. It feels like the height of vulnerability, and when vulnerability is what you have run away from your whole life, it feels like your worst nightmare. And that’s how I have felt over the past few months as I have endured a series of multiple disappointments by the one person I thought never would – God.

Nobody likes talking about the periods of life when you really, really thought that God would do something, and then He doesn’t. It is much sexier to do what the typical Christian likes to do – pretend. We like to pretend that we are not really hurt, that we do not really feel let-down, and that we are completely okay with what it feels like God has done in that moment. We like to act like superhumans who perfectly maintain our faith in the midst of hardship – similar to Job’s initial response to his tribulation in the bible – and deny any emotion that is more strongly acquainted with our humanity. The reason I can describe this act of pretence with so much depth is because I have fallen into its trap. Multiple times, at that. And it feels good. It feels like a boost to your ego to be able to act like you are the person who never questions God’s motives and who is always willing to accept whatever He does without any doubt in your mind. While this may feel good, it is often not honest, nor a representation of how you really feel inside. It is often not a true representation of the brokenness that describes the state of your heart at that time. And this fragile act of pretence always shows itself out to be weak when push comes to shove.

I have found that, following disappointment, whenever I go through this act of pretence and sprinkle a garnish of a “We move” attitude to it, I always end up being negatively impacted by it. I find that though my body is good at acting like I’m okay, my spirit is not, and it tends to distance itself from God as much as it can without my body noticing. Until it is too late and now I’m asking why I haven’t read my bible in months nor prayed in weeks nor attended church in God knows how long. Disappointment is dangerous for that reason. It disguises you into thinking you are coping well when really you are in the most sunken place you have ever been in in your entire life. Or at least that’s my experience of it.

In 2021, starting in the month of March, I have experienced profound disappointments. Why I describe them as such is because they have all resulted from moments where I had complete and utter faith that God would do something without an inch of doubt in my mind, and then it didn’t happen. My disappointments have ranged from the expectation that God would prevent me from being crushed by spiritual attacks, to the expectation that He would heal my cousin and everything would be okay. They have included me expecting a promise to take place at the time I thought best, to expecting entry to a programme that I really believed I would get into. My disappointments have been both shallow and deep, but they all have had the same impact on me – the impact of making me want to run away from God. And so that’s what I have done. You might have noticed that in the past few months I stopped posting on my instagram so much and I wasn’t uploading so much on my youtube. Well, the reason was because I have been in recovery mode from these series of disappointments. Or, rather, from what feel like disappointments. I hope as you read this you realise that I struggle too and I am not the perfect Christian that I am sometimes portrayed to be. I doubt too. I question God too. And I feel sincere hurt, too.

But the biggest lesson that I am in the process of learning in the midst of these disappointments is the ability to trust God. One thing I am coming to understand is that trust in God is not a given, but is rather something that is grown and built. And in order for something to grow, it must go through growing pains and stretching and pulling, before the final result is seen. And that is what I think disappointment is doing to me. The truth is, I am slowly accepting that God does not disappoint. But it sure can feel like He does. He can’t disappoint because that would imply that He is sinning against us, and God cannot sin. Literally by virtue of His character, He cannot sin against us. Ever. And so, often, what we label as disappointment is really just a misunderstanding of the situation that is in front of us. Be that an unexpected death, a failed exam, a non-admission to a programme – whatsoever it may be – what we call disappointment is often just a failure to see things from His perspective. And seeing things from His perspective requires immense trust. To trust a God who has a perspective and view of things that you literally cannot see from necessitates a bucketload of faith and belief in His person and character. And often this is the hardest thing for any of us to do. It certainly has been for me, anyway.

One of the reasons why I struggle so much to trust God after a disappointment is because of the flood of questions that arise based on my perspective of the situation. Some include, but are not limited to: Did I not pray enough? Was I not serving you enough? Why did you let this happen? What did I do wrong? Why could you not have warned me in advance? Or given me some sort of heads up? Why did you let me continue to believe this would happen when you knew the outcome? Do you enjoy seeing me hurt? Since you’re God, and you had the power to reverse this situation, why didn’t you? Do you not care about how I feel? Where are you? Why did you leave me when I needed you the most? Why did you not answer my prayer? And the list goes on…

I don’t really know how to conclude this because I am still in the middle of learning this lesson. Disappointment is only one of the demons I am dealing with – the rest I will talk about in due time. However, though I am hurt and upset and have a lot of questions, I still trust God – and not in a pretend way. I trust God in the midst of my brokenness and mind full of questions and pain and sorrow. I trust Him because I have no other option to – if I take my trust out of Him at a time like this, I literally have nothing else to fall back on. I trust that not everything that happens must make sense to me. I trust that there are some pains and griefs that I will not understand until the life to come. I trust that my perspective of life is limited and incomparable to that of the One who owns life and has been alive forever. I trust that I don’t know everything, and I don’t always know the best outcome of situations – even when that ‘best outcome’ is the general consensus. I trust that I don’t have to know everything, because I know Someone that does. I trust that even though nothing at all feels okay, one day something will. I trust the God of Joseph. Joseph was abandoned for dead by his brothers, sold into slavery, thrown into prison, and ignored for years. But God used his life in the most unexpected and unanticipated way for His glory (Genesis 50:20). I trust the God that made everything make sense for Joseph after a short period of suffering. And I trust that that same God will do the same for you and me.

You are not alone in how you feel. I promise you that.