When we don’t feel ‘good enough’ for others, it’s because we really don’t feel good enough for ourselves. So we look to others to help us achieve that feeling – to tell us that we are good enough, because we don’t believe that we really are. We don’t trust our judgement of ourselves because we have not built a strong relationship with ourselves. We have not sat down and gotten to know ourselves – asked ourselves what we are really like, what our interests are, how we would describe our personalities and traits… We put more trust in other people’s perceptions than we do in our own (because we feel like we know them more than we know ourselves), and therefore think that if they accept us, then it means that we are a good person that is worthy of love and acceptance. This is why we fight when we meet somebody that we like and seek approval from (through them liking us back) and they don’t give it to us. We enter this battlefield of trying to prove to them that we are ‘good enough’ and that they should love us. We think that their external validation will make us feel like we are finally enough.
What is really happening beneath the surface of things here is that our inner child is seeing this person as a symbolic parent figure, and we begin fighting again for our childhood dream of receiving approval from our parents – because they were the first people that were supposed to affirm us of who we are. So when they fail to, we grow up into adults that seek that approval from everybody else other than ourselves. When they told us untrue things about us (e.g. You are stupid, you are useless, you are a disappointment), we began to believe them and lose trust/respect in ourselves as compared to them. Or else, their lack of telling us anything about ourselves left us in the dark as to who we are. With how busy life and childhood is, we never stopped for a second to realise that we are the only people that are able to tell us who we really are and to form that secure sense of identity.
The truth is, you are the only person that knows yourself. You are the only person that lives with your thoughts and imaginations. You are the only person that really knows your personality, the way you think, the days where you wish to make a sad person’s day better, or how you think about the people you would help if you were to own all the world’s riches. Only you know you. Therefore, only you are qualified to tell yourself who you are and to approve yourself. There is a reason they send out certified bodies to approve things that are built or being manufactured. The reason is because these certified authorities have a depth of knowledge that nobody else has. And therefore they are the only people qualified to determine whether something is okay or not. A doctor is regarded as one of the most respected professions in society. However, nobody calls a doctor when there is a building site that needs to be certified for safety. You call a building expert that has years of experience and a wealth of knowledge, as they are the only one that can be trusted for the relevant task. In the same way, it doesn’t make sense for you to call on people who have no true knowledge of who you are to tell you who you are or that you are ‘good enough’. They don’t inhabit your body or mind 24/7. Only you do. In fact, most of the time, you know you are good enough deep down. You just don’t believe it. That is why you seek so much for others to confirm it to you. And that is why you get offended, angry and upset when you meet someone that tells or treats you otherwise. It’s because they are shaking up the part of you that doesn’t have a sense of security. It feels like they are rejecting you at your core because who you are is ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘inadequate’. And because your core doesn’t have a solid secure foundation made up of self-knowledge and -trust, it makes you fear that their rejection means you are not worthy of love or acceptance.
The truth is, when someone rejects you, it is not a reflection of you – it is simply a reflection of what they want and how they were built. We were all created differently, with different wants, needs, preferences, tastes, and interests. Our differences should be seen as the beauty of humanity. For example, I am a person who loves green apples. I could eat them all day. But red apples? I hate them. It has probably been over 15 years since I last ate a red apple. Anytime I try to take a bite out of one to see if my tastes have perhaps changed, I spit it out because I can’t stand it. This is just how I was made. Now, does that mean red apples are wrong? No. Does it mean red apples are bad? No. Does it mean red apples are not good enough? No – honestly, what does that even mean? For a red apple to not be good enough? The terminology and logic does not make sense. Me disliking a red apple bears no reflection on how good or not good it is, my dislike of it is simply a reflection of me. Imagine that because I didn’t like red apples, these apples decided to stop growing on trees and started beating themselves up and felt ashamed of who they are. It wouldn’t make any sense. There are plenty of people who would happily eat red apples – so that kind of response would be absolutely unwarranted. But that is exactly how we treat ourselves when people reject us. We start feeling silly and hiding ourselves and questioning everything that may be wrong with us that led to that person rejecting us, instead of simply accepting that they just were not a good fit for us. They were just created differently.
Today, I consciously decided to never use the terminology ‘good enough’ in relation to myself ever again. From now on, I will think in terms of ‘good fit’. And not from the perspective of “am I a good fit for them?” but rather “are they a good fit for me?”. Our primary responsibility is to ourselves and is to prioritise ourselves. When you have low self-esteem, you are constantly thinking of yourself from other people’s perspective because you don’t value your own perspective. You see others and their thoughts as more valuable and more important than yours. But when you build your self-esteem, and value yourself as a person, you think of life in relation to you. You ask questions like: Does this serve me? Do I feel safe with these people? Does this person’s personality fit well with mine? Does this person make me feel comfortable to be myself? Would I benefit from having this person in my life?
When you value yourself, you assess things as it relates to your comfort, because you know that your comfort matters. Why does it matter? Because you matter. Your thoughts matter, your feelings matter and your reaction to things matter. You should give utmost attention to yourself because ultimately, while other people’s needs and feelings certainly do matter, you matter too.
This is the key to living a life of freedom from external validation. Through self-knowledge, self-acceptance, self-love and self-trust, in that order. This is how you stop living for others, including that man you like, those friends you stick by, and the human authorities in your life. Instead, this is how you begin to live for yourself. The answer to the commonly asked question of “how do I stop caring about what other people think of me?” is simple. By caring about what you think more.
When you really respect yourself and your thoughts and opinions, it is quite easy to do the things you want to do without fear of external judgement. Fear of external judgement is based on giving more power to how people perceive you compared to what you know about yourself. But remember this: Knowledge always prevails over perception. Repeat to yourself “My knowledge of myself always matters more than what others merely perceive me to be”. Do not reject what you know for what others simply think. Remember that people’s perceptions are always coloured by their own life experiences, personalities, tastes, and values. People perceive things wrongly, or simply differently, all the time. So trust yourself and trust your knowledge, then do what you want to do based on the truth that you know. I say this with a pinch of salt, because I believe that the One person whose knowledge triumphs over our own is God. So in saying this, don’t do what God says is wrong to do – He knows best and His knowledge can be trusted even above our own. If it’s okay with God, and it’s okay with you, then do whatever you want. I also say this with a pinch of salt because there are times when we are actually wrong about things, and we should welcome others’ opinions and perspectives. We should be humble enough to listen and gentle enough with ourselves to realise that we make mistakes and that it’s okay because we are human. Mistakes don’t change who we are.
Remember that if God loves you as you are, which He does, then you should know for sure that you are worthy to be loved just the way that you are.
I hope you can grow in love and acceptance of yourself. Take it easy, and thank you for kindly reading.
Acknowledgement: I want to thank my friend Peace Martins for opening my eyes to the reality of these things. I don’t know where I’d be without you, Peace. Thank you.
First read and I am officially a subscriber, i love it here.