I’m a Christian who battles with seasonal depression.

Yeah.

And I know that the joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength, but sometimes I feel weak. Really weak. And simply saying one prayer isn’t always enough to fix it. Sometimes it takes weeks, other times it takes months. Writing about this is really hard because it’s a lot easier to pretend that all is okay and rosey, but truth be told it’s not. And there are days where I struggle to get out of bed; a lot of days. There are days where I barely eat and feel a tiredness that can’t be explained by my activity levels, or my lack thereof. There are days like this – like today – where I struggle to keep it together. There are days when I feel this aching tiredness and loneliness on the inside of me, and nothing I seem to do is able to satisfy it. So I just sit there empty of strength. Yeah.

I know this is nothing like my previous blog posts which are better articulated and better structured, but maybe this is representative of how I sometimes feel inside: lacking articulation and lacking structure. I don’t even know if I will post this.

One thing I hold onto though in the midst of seasons like this is that better days will come. They always do. There are times when I feel like that is the furthest thing from the truth, but deep down I know that they do eventually come. One prayer may not fix it, but continuously sitting in God’s presence might. And I find that very often now-a-days, when I sit in His presence, I am very silent. I don’t have much to say. I just sit there. Sometimes I feel nothing at all, sometimes it can even make me feel a bit more hollow. But I think that sometimes these things just take time. Sometimes better days take time to come. And time always requires patience. So just because God may not be responding to me right when I want it, it doesn’t mean that He never will. Some things just take time. My arms hurt as I write this.

Okay it’s been 30 minutes and I think I can write again. I’ve chosen that my response at a time like this is going to be worship. It will always be worship. Even when I don’t understand the circumstances and I don’t understand why God is letting me go through what I’m going through, I am going to choose to worship him. Why? Because I trust Him. I will worship Him because no matter what happens, I trust Him, and I believe His promises. Romans 8:28 says that all things are working for my good, so I trust Him. And though it’s sometimes not easy to trust and I admit I fall short of it, I will try again each time.

Here’s a verse I tend to look to when I feel defeated:

“Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls – Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.”

Habakkuk 3:17-18

(Pause)

Alright so it has been 5 days since I wrote everything you have read above (which I wrote on the 10th of January), and I have been somewhat better since. I was going to leave this blog post at that, but I find that it would be unfair if I left it on a hopeless note. I’ve been encouraged the past few days after asking for prayers from many around me, and I have definitely felt the positive impact of those prayers. I have also been encouraged as I think of people in the bible who went through depression, such as Elijah, David, Job, and many more. I’m encouraged as I realise that God did not tell them they were any less His sons or daughters just because there was a war going on within their minds. Let me tell something to the person who needs it: You are not any less a Christian just because you struggle with mental health. You are not more of a disappointment to God than the next person. You are not ‘extra’ weak simply because you struggle to believe His word in light of your current circumstance. God sees you. And God understands.

One thing that I noticed from all the biblical characters who went through low periods in their minds is that they were transparent with God. Rather than hiding how they felt under the blanket of pretence, they told Him the truth. Sometimes David even cried out to God and asked God why He had abandoned him.

“O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand?”

Psalm 13:1-2

So as a result, this is a habit I am also trying to pick up: being transparent. Because sometimes God doesn’t respond in the way we expect Him to; when we think He will be mad and disappointed. Sometimes God responds to us how He responded to Elijah when Elijah felt suicidal (1 Kings 19:4-8). When Elijah – one of the greatest prophets of all time – cried out for God to take his life, God responded by providing food and drink for him, and telling him to “Arise, and eat.” He took care of Elijah, he let Elijah sleep. He didn’t rebuke him for feeling that way. God didn’t ask him “how dare you feel like this when my Spirit is upon you”. He didn’t confront him. No, he rather chose to listen and display love and care. And that is God’s same response to us.

The truth is that although I believe I have power over depression through Christ, that doesn’t stop the reality that there are times when I feel weary. It doesn’t eradicate the fact that at times I am weak. Claiming it does would be me denying the human part of me. I am human as much as I am a child of God. But something I have learned is that regardless of what I am struggling with, I should never let it define me. I will keep speaking the truth of God’s word over my situation, until I see the truth manifest itself in real life. I will continue to declare that I have overcome these things – because I have – and just because my eyes don’t yet behold that doesn’t mean it isn’t true. I will continue to reach out to others for help as long as I need to, even though asking for help is my greatest struggle in this life. I will go the extra mile whenever I pluck up the strength to, because I will promise you one thing: the enemy will not succeed over me nor my thoughts. And he will also not succeed over you in Jesus’ mighty name.

So I want to say a prayer to my readers who deal with mental health issues, either in seasons or perpetually:

Lord, I thank you for the life of your precious son or daughter who is reading this. I thank you because I know that as long as they can see this, as long as they have breath in their lungs and blood in their veins, they still have purpose. Lord I pray you would make them realise the purposes that you have put inside of them. I pray that you would teach them how to place their trust in you, and how to find peace in your presence. I ask that you would give them the grace to be transparent before you. I pray that you would introduce yourself to them as a friend above all else. I pray Lord that your love will flood into their hearts in this very moment and that they would feel a peace wash over them that surpasses all understanding. Let them realise, Father, that you have made them overcomers. Cause them to understand that Christ within them is greater than the lies of the enemy in their mind. Overall, Lord, I pray that they would find rest in you. I pray that they would come to such an intimate knowledge of you that it changes their entire life, and that they would never be the same. I thank you Lord because I know you answer my prayers. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

If there is anyone who doesn’t yet know God as a friend, but wants to, please dm me. Anyone who wants to invite Jesus Christ into your life, please dm me @itsaghogho on Instagram. I send God’s blessings to you all.

Anyways. I don’t want to say much more, but to whoever needs to hear it, i hope you now realise that you are not alone.

Selah.