I genuinely think this is one of the most relieving things in the world. I remember being in a situation that I was convinced I would never get over. Isn’t it funny how dramatic we can be when we are under the visor of (alleged) ‘love’? It’s so unfortunate how we can become so invested in somebody’s life that we feel like we can no longer live ours without them. But I’m here to tell you a truth: If you could live without them before, you can live without them again.
I think often-time after the ending of a relationship or situationship, it is easy to think that you will never find anybody else that quite matches you like that person. I remember when I was wholeheartedly convinced that I would never ever ever be able to vibe with someone the way I vibed with him. I’m laughing as I type this. Life is so strange. The same situations that lead you into depressive episodes are the same ones that you look back on years later and laugh at. Some say that time heals. I say that time relieves the pain – but it doesn’t always heal.
Something I like to do after relationships of any kind end is assess the way I behaved in that relationship and ask myself why I did so. I also like to assess the thoughts I harboured during and after such relationships and investigate the root of those thoughts. Something that I have realised is that often, the belief that you will not find somebody better-suited to you is rooted in deep insecurity. It’s this same sentiment that often causes us to stay in unhealthy relationships that clearly do not serve us “but have good memories though!” I’ve been in this situation before and it’s so draining. You don’t pay adequate attention to it while it’s happening but it has the power to erode you from the inside out. Healing before you embark in relationships is very necessary and yet many of us avoid it ruthlessly.
The reason it can often be terribly hard to get over someone has a lot more to do with you than it has to do with the relationship itself. Often our pain is a reflection of fear – deep fears. Many of these fears are rooted in childhood trauma and manifest in the way we view relationships and view ourselves. I recently watched a video by the School of Life about attachment styles. It focused on the two main styles: anxious and avoidant. It highlighted how the way we behave towards others, in relationships or friendships, can often be heavily traced to how we were related to in our prime childhood years. I came to terms with some very uncomfortable truths about myself because of this, but some very necessary truths. It helped me to understand a lot of the fears that I have and helped me to begin to poke at them. First Imma poke and then one day I’ll fully confront them. Petit à petit. I really do think it’s necessary to confront our fears though. If not, we continue to carry them into every sort of relationship we become involved in throughout our lives.
I think true healing is when you have stared eye to eye with these monsters – your fears – and told them that they can no longer control you. Our fears lie to us. They lie to us about our identity and lie to us about how others view us. All they know how to do is lie. And the sad part is, a huge majority of people are controlled by these fears and are thus controlled by lies. The reason behind a lot of the things we do is often fear. Fear of something. But fear has this ability to shape-shift forms so that you don’t really recognise it as fear. However, fear doesn’t have to be something that keeps you up at night trembling in order to be classified as fear. It doesn’t have to be something that gives you a fright or makes you jump. It just has to be something that makes you feel like you always need to prove yourself in some way or another. To prove that you don’t care, to prove that you’re good enough, to prove that you are worth staying with, to prove that you can do whatever you want. The need to prove is almost always rooted in fear. What do your actions tell you that you are trying to prove?
Sometimes the real thing that seems impossible to get over isn’t actually the person, but our fears. That’s why after the next relationship ends, you feel the same way you did in the last one. It’s because you haven’t really identified what the real issue is..
But let’s be honest – you don’t get over your fears in a day. It takes time and it takes effort, and not a passive effort either. True healing takes time and requires you to go through additional pain by intentionally remembering things, but it has a far more long-term output. You may not be brave enough right now to confront your fears and if you aren’t, I don’t blame you. Truth be told, I haven’t confronted all of mine. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time. Jesus is really helping me through this process. He is so patient and cares so much. He really wants me to be free from fear and I really appreciate that.
But in the meantime, before you become an expert at kick-boxing those devils, i.e. your fears, I want you to know something. Let’s go back to the original topic – that person you struggle to move on from. If you think you cannot go on without them, I promise you that you can. And you will. Don’t beat yourself up for the duration of time this may take. Don’t be angry at yourself for giving so much of your being to a person. You are meant to give! You were created to love, because God is love and you were created to be like Him, so don’t despise the part of you that loves! I don’t believe in loving ‘too hard’, I just believe in perhaps investing too much in the wrong people. But again, I don’t even think this is something worth beating yourself up over. Situations are meant to teach us. There is always something to learn – either about yourself or about how to relate to people in future. You are worthy of every ounce of love you desire and one day you will receive it. May I tell you a secret, that God already loves you far more than you could handle? (Romans 8:38-39, Romans 5:8) But besides that kind of unconditional love, you still will receive the romantic love you desire. From the person who is meant to give it to you, too. You are not especially ‘lucky’ to have found this person, and have now ‘ruined it’. Accept that your self-worth wasn’t dependent on your ability to be with this person, and throw that mentality out the window.
I got over somebody that I thought I would never get over, and it broke and mended me in the process. It took me an embarrassingly long time, but the lessons I learned in the meanwhile made it worthwhile. If you are still trying, be encouraged by me. Trust me, if I could go through with it, so can you. Life has a funny way of making us forget feelings we once refused to let go of. You also don’t have to bring the person down in the process. You don’t have to make yourself feel like they are so much lesser than you. You just have to embrace yourself, confront your fears and choose to have healthier relationships in future. Cry for as long as you need to. Eat your apples. Buy that dress your account will allow you to buy. Take a walk in fresh air. Go out for a laugh with your friends. Grab onto life by the heel and don’t let go! Your presence on this earth should be felt just as vibrantly when you are with someone as when you are not. So start living!
