How are you feeling?

I want to ask you a question. How are you? I know you hear it every day, in every second conversation you have, whether with strangers or with family. But really…how are you? I am asking you this more for yourself than for me. So please do think about your answer before you proceed to read on. Please pause, take a moment, and really think about your current emotions. Think about your current outlook on life. Think about how comfortable you are with every aspect of yourself. Really think. How are you? Honestly, how are you? I’d like you to take a moment to leave a comment down below (anonymously) expressing how you are…how you really are. Then, scroll back up.

I think it is truly such a strange circumstance that we all find ourselves in right now. Never before have I not had to think twice about what my friends are up and about to, or where my sister might be when she doesn’t answer her phone, or who I will bump into on a bummy day. Because everybody, everybody, is at home. Except the essential workers of course. That brilliant set of people. But generally, everybody is at home (or should be). And as great as that may be – being able to watch netflix all day, or finally get a break from busy life – it is tiring. It is really tiring…

I don’t mean physically tiring. But emotionally and mentally. It’s hard for me to write this as I am not very comfortable speaking about my feelings. But it has been very draining spending every day inside. I didn’t realise how much of myself was dependent on physical contact with my friends. I didn’t realise how much of my mental stability depended on that until now. And the reality of that has been, and continues to be, very difficult to adjust to.

I find that there are many days where I go in and out of very extreme moods. I am either hyper, or else I feel a crippling sadness. That’s really it. On a particular day, if I am lucky, I may feel more neutral. But it’s usually either one or the other. I don’t really understand the reason why…I have experienced boredom before. But not like this.

To make matters more interesting, I have begun to feel a wave of loneliness. It is really hard to open up about this to strangers on the internet. More especially to people that know me. But I write not just for myself, but for the one person who may need it. So this is for you. I have felt overwhelmed with a loneliness that I have not experienced in a very, very, very long time. It is the kind of loneliness where I can be in contact with my friends all day long, but I feel distant all the while. It is the kind of loneliness that I attempt to dig up and use a shovel to pour some soil of netflix on it, some soil of college work, maybe some soil of facetime.. But it still seems to sprout up from the ground and consume me again. And again, and again.

The more I type, the more I don’t want to release this post. This is the kind of loneliness where nothing suffices. Nothing. Except God. He has been the only one keeping me sane. Whenever I enter his presence, I feel like peace is a physical entity and I am hugging it. God seems to be the only one that suffices. And yet even from him, I tend to run. I’m just being honest.

Something I must remember though is this. We live through a constant fluctuation. Up, down, up, down, up, down. Everything around us is in this cycle, more evidently now than ever. From our economy, to our health, to our very emotions. Up and down and up and down. It is very easy when we are in the ‘down’ of this cycle to beat ourselves up about it and be angry and upset about it all. It is very easy to not allow yourself to have space to feel the spectrum of your emotions. It is easy to become frustrated with oneself when you begin to experience lows that you thought you had finally overcome. But this is the conundrum that we call life. And it is not always to be fought. Have you ever wondered why you are so accepting of your happier emotions, than your sadder ones? You seem to show more frustration at the latter because you prefer feeling joy and peace and greatness. It’s normal. That sentiment is normal. We are all really like that. But I think life becomes even slightly more easier when we realise that we are in a constant fluctuation. When we realise that neither happiness nor sadness last but both play a constant game of tag with one another. “You’re it!…No, you’re it now!” And that game will not stop until it’s over. It is slightly easier to live when you are more accepting of the range of your feelings. Do not show so much frustrated energy toward yourself the next time you are sad but simply feel it. Just feel it, knowing this too shall pass.. Try to stop focusing on how quickly you can stop feeling that way, and let your body replenish. I know that sometimes, our bodies may take longer than others to do this task, but let it replenish. Then later, when you conjure the strength, try to feed yourself with whatever healthy thing will lift your spirits again. Emphasis on healthy.

This particular post is a bit more solemn. It’s not very encouraging. It’s just me being honest. I think we can only really grow when we are honest with ourselves. One thing that this lockdown has really made me realise is how dishonest I am with myself and my emotions. I have realised how much I use distractions to avoid confronting how I really feel. It has made me realise how easy it is to do this. Because I have been doing it every day for years without notice. Isn’t it strange how you can live every second of every day in your mind and yet simultaneously fail to know it?

I think this is a lovely time for each of us to get to know ourselves, as uncomfortable as that may be. As uncomfortable as it is. There are no distractions or excuses now. You can’t run forever, at least I can’t. I think it’s time to really stop and think of how okay we are with the people that we are. With our mental states. With our minds. It’s time to ask questions.

Have I healed? Am I proud of the person that I am? How can I change? Am I okay?

It’s of utmost importance to learn the practice of self-care during this time, if you can. And I am talking about real self-care. Not self-distraction.

Anyway that’s it. I haven’t come to say too much. Just to let the person who needs to hear it know that you are not alone. I am struggling too. There are days where I find it difficult to get out of bed and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for the lack of productivity and motivation that I have within myself. But we will get through it. We must. Take care of yourself.