Do you let people dilute you?

Have you ever met somebody who likes their MiWadi almost tasting like water? Like you can barely taste the fruit juice itself and start wondering why they even added it? I have. Now, have you ever met somebody who likes the people around them being almost exactly the same way they are? Like you can barely tell the difference between them and their friends/partners? I have. And sometimes that’s okay, but sometimes it’s not.

I have found myself in many kinds of relationships where I discovered I was diluting myself. One drop at a time. It starts off like this. You meet somebody and you find yourself drawn to them. Maybe because they are funny, or attractive, or just have a bright aura to them. Mainly because you see something in them that you appreciate, that you believe is worth adding to your life experience. So you stick around. And naturally, you soon notice differences between them and yourself. Maybe their sense of humour, their opinions on topics, their stance on faith. It could be anything. Now you also have your own beliefs and sense of humour and opinions on topics. But this person does not seem too comfortable with them, and makes you feel little when you express these things. But they do it in subtle ways, where you do not initially notice that you are being made feel little. So you begin to start doubting how you think. And because of how much you like said person, and how little you currently like yourself, you believe that their point of view holds more value than yours. So subconsciously, you start to adapt. But not adapting in the right ways. Adapting in the right way is when you are making positive changes for yourself. But in this case, you are making changes for somebody else. You continue to do this little by little because, consciously or not, you are seeking for their approval, and their approval is what you are getting. So it continues.

But then one day you wake up and realise you barely recognise yourself anymore. Your mannerisms are different, your speech is different, and you have interests in things that never excited you before. And people have noticed that you’ve changed, but they are too polite to verbalise it. So they tell you through small sad smiles when they see you doing something outside of your character, or by putting their head down when they walk past you and the person who I would call a ‘serial diluter’. Everybody is aware of the changes this person has made to you, but everybody is too afraid to say it. Or else they do say it, and you just do not listen because of how much of your worth lies in the person, or people. And this just sadly becomes the story of who you are.

Some people just like everybody around them to look like them, sound like them, speak like them and think like them. And it is unhealthy. You can never really grow if everybody around you is practically the same person. There will be people who’s mission is to literally change the people around them, so that these people are less like themselves and more like them. They have their own personal reasons for doing this, which may be to obtain a sense of power, of self-importance, to feel like a ‘leader’. Beware of these people. Because they are usually acting out of a place of deeper hurt. And you can easily find yourself a victim to such if you are not well aware.

I think this is a narrative that a lot of us have been through, whether we realise it or not. Change is good, and being changed by the people around us is a natural thing, but change should be led by free choice, not by people who are not comfortable with the differences they see within you . Sometimes I think the human need to feel accepted and important can lead us to our own detriment. Everybody wants to be loved, but too many of us sacrifice our true selves in order to receive that love. Ladies and gentlemen, the kind of love that is for you, either platonic or romantic, will not require you to dilute your personality. The kind of love that is for you will not require you to dull your light or suppress your energy. The kind of love that is for you will be invigorating and passionate and life-giving. It will birth something great in you, rather than planting weeds that choke you out.

Sometimes it is the fear of rejection that keeps us in spaces that we know will stagger our growth. Many of us are not comfortable with the idea of somebody not liking us for a reason we don’t deem acceptable. Especially in a romantic sense. We speak to somebody who is clearly showing a lack of interest, but this draws us even more to them. Why? Because we see it as another mission to gain approval. We see their slow replies and lack of phone calls, and immediately take on the challenge to prove our worth to this person (in a misguided way of actually trying to prove our worth to ourselves). We start to pay more attention to this person on their socials, get a feel for the type of things they like and the type of people they like, then we begin to see how we can fit into that. And if we don’t fit, we start to look into how we may change in order to gain this person’s approval. And it is all so sad. It is so sad to want to change yourself because you fail to recognise your own value.

One thing that I am constantly learning is this – and this is directed at girls in particular: Do not compromise yourself or any quality of yourself for a man. Do not water yourself down or big yourself up in certain aspects just because you feel like the man you want would be more comfortable with that. Because they would feel less threatened, less intimidated, less turned-off. Be completely who you are and if they stay, they stay. If they leave, they leave. Life always goes on. No matter how interested you were in them. I have a terrible habit of doing this – of changing my core to suit a person or environment that I like. And it is so silly. It is so silly to reduce yourself so that somebody likes you. Because then surely they don’t like the real you. They like a persona you have created. And how exhausting is it to have to spend months or even years maintaining a false persona? Many a time, we just do it because we find the person very attractive, and they find us very attractive. But so what? This man is not the first, nor the last person to be attracted to you. You are a goldmine enclosed by flesh and blood and bones. Do not be excited because somebody “finds you attractive”. Please, what is that?

Take this period upon us to learn about your worth if you do not know it already. And believe me, it is a thing that is continually learned. Because we forget. I forget. But the beauty of it all is that we can always relearn and change and grow. In the relationships you find yourself in, are you concentrate or dilute? Do you express the true person that you are or a diluted version to make the other person comfortable? Don’t get me wrong – there are relationships that will inspire you to change and grow and be better than how you are now, and these relationships are great. But do not confuse them for relationships where you are being told to change something that you know is not a bad thing. If you find that you are in any relationship where you cannot fully express yourself, please take a step back and just evaluate. Ask yourself why you feel this way, does this person contribute to it, and whether you should stay. Or have a conversation with this person if you feel like they will be understanding. Sometimes the reasons we dilute ourselves has more to do with fears linked to childhood and past relationships, rather than with the person/people we are currently involved with. So make sure you really question the reasons why. And decide what to do thereafter.

The bottom line is this. Who is for you will be for you, so please never feel to maintain a false character just for somebody else’s comfort. If they above all positively inspire you to grow, keep them around. But if not, question your reasons for being there.

That’s all. Stay safe everybody.